It’s been roughly a month since my life spiralled down.
A failed relationship that had the potential to break any obstacle that came our way, a broken friendship with someone as close to me as my sister would have been, and a quitter when it came to being a professional. Yes, I chose to flight over fight. Call me a coward but I chose me before you. I chose my path to heal, even if that means running away.
I ran away from everything that seemed to push me, test me. I ran away from questioning why. I ran away from wanting answers. I ran away from everything that was once the best in my life. I ran away because I felt powerless. I ran away because I lost all faith. I ran away because it was all I could think of doing.
We all have our struggles. Life is never a smooth ride. And sometimes, it just happens all at once. Struggles change us, mould us into the person we should be right here right now. Life flips overnight, sometimes in a split second. We all have our instincts that tell us when things start going wrong, if only it told us how it would go wrong. No matter how prepared you are for the hard hitting truth, when it happens, it feels like being run over (well, I don’t technically know how it feels to be run over, but it just may feel better!)
While it is always said that keeping oneself busy helps you get over your tragedies, I think otherwise. Mourn. Mourn it at your own pace. Shut out the world. Sleep for hours. Workout like a beast and then sit with a tub of icecream. Cry it out. Scream it out. Talk about it till the time it becomes a joke. Break stuff. Do nasty things. Experience what you never imagined of doing. Live on the edge. And when the dust settles, build your walls up so high and strong that nothing can enter it. Healing is a process, sometimes long, sometimes short. Before you learn to survive, learn to heal.
As tragic as it may sound, I don’t trust humans anymore. I don’t trust friendships anymore. I don’t see why should we have someone to confide in, why give someone else the power of soothing you when you are sore? It is true that we always need someone, we always have a person whom we call – my person. Don’t be fooled by it. People leave, even the ones who were supposed to stay. It’s one thing to be there for someone when in need, it’s another thing to give yourself to them.
I love to write. It is my solace, my best friend, my outlet, my love. It gives me knowledge, gives me strength, builds me up everytime I want to quit, calms me down on nights I cannot sleep, helps me fight my demons, and will never be judging my journey. I will never have to fear about being left behind when I can’t keep up, or be shut out without any answers. It will be with me throughout all phases of my life – good, bad and ugly.
I know nobody cares about my story. Somewhere, it’s better that way. But I write this so that if there is anyone reading this, wondering to themselves where did things go wrong all of a sudden even in their lives, they know they are not alone. That while they may be feeling like a loser right now, its just the start of a new beginning. That what may seem like the worst phase now, may seem like a blessing in the coming years. And that it is perfectly okay to quit everything now, be your idlest self and come back stronger tomorrow. Even if that tomorrow is a few years away.